Search for the Desired Ending

It's strange being a writer sometimes - well, strange a lot of the time. The borders between reality and words become as porous as I believe they are for philosophers. When in life I'm not getting the ending I want, I mean seriously not getting the ending I want, the impulse to rewrite and rewrite until I find the right ending is irrepressible, nightmarish. I wake up every morning with my mind reaching out for the desired ending, probing events for turning points, for missed themes, hidden metaphors, underlying character motivations I've overlooked, searching searching for the key to unlock the story and make it spread out like a sheet floating onto a bed, needing just to be tucked in at the sides. I wake up in the middle of the night to find my mind working feverishly away on the story, trying to twist it and shape it to fit, not just my personal desire, but my sense of how it should end, must end, does end. When reality bucks and balks, I question over and over if I just haven't told the story the right way. I find it impossible to let go and walk away.